thirty, flirty, & thriving
a reflection on what I've learned about myself before turning 30
last weekend was my 30th birthday, which has me reflecting on how different my life is from my 29th birthday and every birthday before that. i spent my 29th birthday crying in the shower to i can do it with a broken heart after (barely) surviving my first queer relationship and heartbreak after having just finalized my divorce. this year had a lot less tears and taylor swift. i spent my 30th birthday surrounded by my queer community and chosen family. i went to my first strip club, and one of the dancers told me i had really great friends. you better believe i was sobbing in that club about all the love i have surrounding me going into this new decade. as a birthday treat, here are 30 random things i’ve learned about myself before turning thirty.
30 things I learned before 30
i’m monogamous. gaspppp. this was the hardest coming out of all. after an 8-year monogamous relationship, i wanted to explore polyamory. i spent most of my 29th year dating all different types of people and exploring different relationship dynamics. i was drawn to the values of relationship anarchy and realized that the freedom to build unique containers for each relationship was what i was actually longing for. i also value the breakdown of any hierarchy between romantic and platonic relationships. but realized that, for me, choosing conscious monogamy is the best fit for my lifestyle and needs.
i’m really bad at asking for help. this past year made that extremely evident. after several friends told me “independent” was the first word they would use to describe me, i started interrogating my hyper-independence. i worked to break down the walls preventing me from truly being in community by asking for and receiving help. as i adjusted to my new life after marriage, i was able to put these new skills into practice often. i started moving through the clumsiness that comes with asking for what i need.
working on my relationship skills and communication skills is one of the most radical things i can do. over the last few years, i have prioritized relationship building as a part of my activism work.
rest is uncomfortable for me. an overachieving perfectionist who can’t rest? shocker. but again, i was forced into it. i hit autistic burnout, and i had to take almost an entire year off work to recover. going back to work this year, i have been much more intentional about scheduled rest.
i hateeee being bad at things. i already knew this one, but it’s been slapping me in the face this year as i shift my career focus and learn new skills. it’s been a practice of patience to get myself to sit through a poetry workshop whenever i do not naturally pick up on an exercise, but i’m doing it badly anyways, damn it!
i’ve been leaning into jomo (joy of missing out). my gemini rising makes it hard for me to say no to anything. everythinggg sounds like something i’d like to try, but this year, i’ve been setting more realistic expectations about my body’s capacity and only taking on what i can handle.
the best revenge is taking back your energy. this past year, i lost several long-term relationships without closure. i would fantasize about all the different messages i could send to try to express my hurt and find closure, but every time i tried to get the last word, i was left feeling worse. i realized that removing all access to my energy is the only justice.
i have to give myself all the things i preach about everyone else deserving. this has especially been true in breaking down by internalized ableism. i would be so willing to accommodate others but hesitant to give myself access to those same accommodations.
life is more fun when you don’t have to know everything. i have been releasing the need to always be in control and instead living more in a state of curiosity.
my weirdest, wildest self is lovable. whew. i spent the majority of the first 29 years of my life thinking no one would ever love a weird, witchy, butch, bitch, sad art boi. this past year, i really let it soak in that no only do i love myself, but there was a whole community waiting to love me as well.
Summer after their drag birthday photoshoot social media bores me. is this surprising coming from an ex-influencer? when i decided to take a social media break last April, i had no idea what was next. what i initially thought would be a few months turned into almost an entire year offline because i had no desire to give my energy to those platforms anymore. now, social media is a tool to connect with others interested in my work, and I often delete the apps daily, only logging on to get work done.
i fall in love easilyyyyy. my experiences dating men versus dating women and nonbinary people have been comically different. i used to brag about how tough it was for anyone to get me to fall for them; now i’m known as the lover boy of my friend group. the lesbian yearning is real.
i love being a good neighbor. getting to know my neighbors has always been important to me but after years of being on the road, i craved that next door intimacy and have dived back into being a helping hand to those around me.
this body is getting older, and i want to take care of it. i have been dedicated to my bodywork practice this past year in a way i never have been before. i start and end my day with stretching and meditation and find this to be a necessary part of my routine now.
i trust my gut. i’ve talked about intuition a lot lately, but this has been one of the biggest lessons of the decade. i no longer second-guess my body’s wisdom.
i choose to be in relationships with people who choose to be in relationships with me. for years, i overgave and people pleased my way into relationships that never were reciprocal. now, i choose people who can meet me at my depth.
i assume positive intent when interacting with others. i am a trauma survivor with a highly sensitive nervous system and i spent a lot of my 20s reacting instead of staying curious and compassionate. nourishing my nervous system and approaching life with more curiosity rather than fear has opened up so much relationally for me.
it’s okay to be basic. i grew up in the hipster era and used to think i had to be so unique and deep all the time. the reality is that i really love charli xcx and chappell roan. loving whatever you want to love is fun.
my autism actually limits what i am able to do. after recovering from autistic burnout, i realized my body is not able to keep the schedule i previously tried to force it to keep up with. i have had to learn how to adjust my life to allow for sensory rest breaks and find work that fits my unique abilities and disabilities.
i’ve stopped apologizing so much. god, i was a chronic apologizer. i have been unlearning the programming a lot of folks socialized as women were fed: our existence is something to apologize for. i have learned how to take up space without apologizing for doing so.
even within the queer community, some foks are gatekeepy about what counts as trans. stepping into my nonbinary identity has been a practice of reminding myself i am valid regardless of what medical choices i make, regardless of how i present, and regardless of what anyone else deems as “trans enough.”
Drag photoshoot by Summer Ginther & Sunshine Curtis i have released my guilt about needing to be the perfect activist. throughout my 20s, i felt like i was always not doing enough. i pressured myself to be at every protest and signed up for every committee. now, i am accepting the limitations of my disabled body and have released the shame and leaned into contributing in the ways i can.
i choose to spend most of my time with those who affirm and validate who i am. this means i do not have weekly dinners with anyone unwilling to make the effort to get my pronouns right. i do not let people in my inner circle if they giggle about my astrology practice. i cannot always avoid interacting with others who do not affirm me, but i am intentional about filling my time up with those who do.
i have been playing more with my gender fluidness. when i first came out as nonbinary, i wanted to look as androgynous as possible. i wanted to make sure everyone saw my masculine side that i had been hiding for so long. as i’ve settled into my identity more, i found myself missing the softer, more feminine side. i have been letting myself play more with gender expression and having fun with letting that fluidity flow.
i choose right relationship over everything else. i used to be in constant political battles with my conservative family that did nothing more than further bridge the gaps between us. now, i choose loving connection before everything else. that doesn’t mean we’re not having political conversations anymore, but the way i engage always comes from this relationship-first mentality.
not everyone will understand you, and trying to make everyone understand is just a waste of time. i trust that i have those in my life who do and let everyone else go on misunderstanding.
i’m learning how to de-compartmentalize my life. i used to really separate the “work me,” the “friend me,” and the “community me.” lately, i have been learning how to integrate my whole self into all areas of my life.
monthly massages are a healthcare necessity for me, not a luxury. i remember in my early 20s, someone telling me getting monthly massages would be the best investment i would ever make. i didn’t listen back then, but now it is part of my budget that i consider necessary.
i am so sensitive to caffeine! this was one of the most shocking realizations i have made since returning back to my body. i used to live off that favorite drug, consuming several cups of coffee and tea throughout my day. now, i can’t even drink half-caf without feeling like an anxious mess.
there is no amount of money worth your soul. i talk way more about this here. i am currently in a really different phase of my life, working odd nanny and landscaping jobs to pay my bills. i am working my ass off, in more debt than ever before, and still at such peace with myself and my life. i know i am trying my best to live every day as values aligned as possible. i go to bed each night feeling proud of the work i did that day, a feeling i never knew when i was still working in the influencer industry.
